Transcript
KING
Boy, come!
PRINCE
Oh my god, dad, what?
KING
Today you learn. Today you learn the ways of a king.
PRINCE
No, Dad, this is so mega lame.
KING
We've summoned Mystical Jeremy, and will not keep him waiting.
PRINCE
Oh, no-- No, I...
KING
Now follow me to the War Room.
PRINCE
You're so- you're so obsessed with the idea of-
KING
I'll not have any of your back talk.
PRINCE
Whatever.
KING
To the war room, let's go.
MYSTICAL JEREMY
Welcome!
KING
Mystical Jeremy.
MYSTICAL JEREMY
Welcome you two! Looks like someone, pointing at the younger one, is doing a big mad.
PRINCE
Whatever.
KING
Mystical Jeremy, we can't thank you enough for your time.
MYSTICAL JEREMY
No problem besties. Bet. Absolutely.
PRINCE
This sucks.
KING
Today we'll be teaching my son military tactics.
MYSTICAL JEREMY
Ooh! That sounds excellent! That sounds 'based'. I love it.
PRINCE
Cool.
MYSTICAL JEREMY
Soon you're going to be goated with the sauce, with a sword.
PRINCE
Why did... [sigh]
KING
Do you hear what Mystical Jeremy says? You'll be sau- what did you- did you say sauced?
MYSTICAL JEREMY
Yes, you'll be goated with the sauce... or the goat.
KING
Now come to the table, look.
PRINCE
This is so sketch.
MYSTICAL JEREMY
I think you mean "bussin". Yes, you're absolutely right. Catch these hands!
PRINCE
Ow! Dude!
MYSTICAL JEREMY
Yes, want to learn moves like these? No cap.
PRINCE
What?
KING
Toughen up boy!
MYSTICAL JEREMY
Yeah!
PRINCE
Stop! Why's he hit-- Dad, why's he hitting me?
KING
This is how you learn.
MYSTICAL JEREMY
I think you mean 'Why do I hit so fast?' Little bit of clap back, Lad.
KING
Mystical Jeremy,
MYSTICAL JEREMY
Yes, my liege.
KING
Thank you, you need not bow to me. I appreciate you being here.
MYSTICAL JEREMY
OK, bet.
KING
Tomorrow we begin training the sword.
PRINCE
[whining]
KING
Today... we must focus on tactics.
MYSTICAL JEREMY
Yes, I understand.
KING
Boy. Do you see the cavalry on the table?
PRINCE
See the what?
KING
Before you is a map, do you not see what I'm pointing to?
PRINCE
No, yeah, dad, it's wicked. It's wicked sick. I love it. Nasty. Yeah.
KING
You watch your tongue, boy,
MYSTICAL JEREMY
Now, King-
KING
I'll not have any more of this heretical vernacular spilling from your blasphemous tongue.
MYSTICAL JEREMY
King...
PRINCE
Oh my god.
KING
Do you hear me?
MYSTICAL JEREMY
Take a breather, and let him cook, son. Let him cook.
KING
Thank you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mystical Jeremy. Forgive me for losing my temper in your presence.
MYSTICAL JEREMY
It's okay.
KING
Please do not curse the realm.
MYSTICAL JEREMY
Me? I would never curse the realm. I would never curse the realm. Okay, boomer? I would never would.
KING
It's just... it's just... he's... it's ridiculous.
MYSTICAL JEREMY
On god, Full agree. That's goated. I understand. Your son sometimes can be a bit Ohio, if you get what I'm saying.
KING
Your wisdom knows no bounds. Mystical Jeremy.
PRINCE
What's that supposed to mean?
KING
Silence yourself.
PRINCE
Are you trying to diss me?
KING
Boy!
PRINCE
Funny hat?
KING
I'll not say it again.
MYSTICAL JEREMY
Now how about this- Let this live rent-free in your gut. Hiya!
PRINCE
No! Stop! Hitting! Me!
KING
Do you see? Do you see? Now you learn,
PRINCE
WHY?!
KING
boy, now you learn.
MYSTICAL JEREMY
Now who's shook? Hmm? Now who's the simp? Hmm?
PRINCE
[exasperated sigh] Why am I even, wh-?
MYSTICAL JEREMY
Sheeeesh, you know what I mean?
PRINCE
What are we doing here? What's the point? This-
KING
Military Tactics!
PRINCE
Dad, chill!
MYSTICAL JEREMY
Now everyone, if there's one person that needs to chill, Ohio, it's not your father, we stan a slaying king. We stan a Knightly Daddy, okay? And by the way you treat your father, it's a bit suss. And now all I'm trying to do is teach you in the ways of battle, and plus you also need to go touch grass, okay?
PRINCE
What?
MYSTICAL JEREMY
Vibe check! Someone needs to touch grass. I'm vibing.
KING
The hooves of my horse have graced many battlefield.
PRINCE
[sigh]
KING
Touched many grass.
MYSTICAL JEREMY
Mm-hmm. Go off, King.
KING
And you soon too will also know the depravity of war. You see this sword?
MYSTICAL JEREMY
Mm-hmm.
KING
First comes this,
PRINCE
I-
KING
then comes this!
PRINCE
Sh- Okay!
KING
Put this to your mind, boy!
MYSTICAL JEREMY
Periot. Mm-hmm
PRINCE
All right. Okay.
KING
Now tell me, look at the table before you.
PRINCE
Okay, Dad!
KING
How would you handle a situation like this?
PRINCE
I don't know- just move this horse there and move that whole little front over that way..
KING
Send the cavalry to the flank... move the artillery south... down below the river.
MYSTICAL JEREMY
Yes, south. Below the river...
KING
That's actually- that's actually quite a good plan, boy. Perhaps you do have a knack for this.
PRINCE
Is that what you wanted?
KING
[facing away] Bring the boy something to drink!
MYSTICAL JEREMY
I think you're serving 'glow up', young prince.
PRINCE
What?
MYSTICAL JEREMY
When you came in here moments ago - mere moments, I was thinking 'cringe'. I was thinking 'cheugy'. I was thinking 'absolutely in no way bussin'. And no cap- Now I don't expect you to be ratioed.
PRINCE
Are those-
MYSTICAL JEREMY
I expect you to do a Bang 30s with someone.
KING
Continue studying under Mystical Jeremy, boy, and a fine king you will be.
MYSTICAL JEREMY
FR, yes. Hits different when coming from me.
