Returns Dept

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Transcript

CASHIER

Yeah, yeah, I can help you down here.

Hi, what are you doing today? What are you here for today?

CUSTOMER

I just need to make a return.

CASHIER

Okay. And what are you returning?

CUSTOMER

this

CASHIER

first, Do you have your receipt?

CUSTOMER

Yes, I have my receipt.

CASHIER

Okay, let me see that. Just to start. There's a lot on there

CUSTOMER

it's just this decorative baseball bowl for chips.

CASHIER

Okay. All right. Um, and why are you returning it today? It makes me - I have to enter something.

CUSTOMER

Because I broke a promise.

CASHIER

What? Broke a what?

CUSTOMER

I broke a promise

CASHIER

was this like a gift for someone and you just

CUSTOMER

No it's mine. It's only mine and I was supposed to be its. And we're not supposed to bring this kind of deception and... It's important to have trust in the relationship and I’ve ruined it. I'm just trying to own up to that. So, if you have, if you have to put something down just put "because it deserves better"

CASHIER

I don't really have an op- Like that's not an option. Just like, are you returning a gift? Or is it broken or defective?

CUSTOMER

No. I'm broken or defective. This one's on me. It's my fault. I promised that- Oh no you're gonna make me say the whole story...

CASHIER

No. Nope. No you don't have to. No.

CUSTOMER

(sobbing) I brought it. I promised I would bring it to Jurassic world. I was going to sneak in chips and dip and a couple of baby carrots - only like three or four baby carrots, not a whole lot - and I-

I loaded- I loaded it up and I covered the whole thing in saran, and it was ready to go. This is where I messed up. My shoulder bag-

CASHIER

It didn't break?

CUSTOMER

(through tears) No, it's a very good- it's a very good baseball bowl for chips. It didn't break.

I broke.

Because as I was walking in, one of the baby carrots slipped out of under the saran wrap. And it came out of a hole in the bottom of my shoulder bag, and the employee noticed it and said 'why is there a carrot?', and I just broke down and I said I was sneaking in my baseball bowl for chips, and then they made me leave it at the front desk. (sniff) And the right thing… If I was stronger, if I was a better person… the right thing to do would have been-

TED

Excuse me...

CASHIER

Yes, just a moment.

CUSTOMER

JUST A MOMENT. The right thing to do would have been to leave right then. But I went and saw the movie without my baseball bowl for chips. (wailing)

CASHIER

I may- if you need to collect yourself, I could just go- you.

[GESTURING TOWARDS TED]

Are you returning a microwave?

TED

Right, I just need to return a microwave.

CASHIER

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm stuck on this but I'm gonna page someone just really quick.

CUSTOMER

Excuse me, don't touch my shirt. I'm in distress.

CASHIER

So you just you just want to you just want to return it because you don't want it anymore?

CUSTOMER

No, I'm not. It's not that I don't want this. I can't live with knowing that I've hurt it and it deserves better.

TED

what?

CUSTOMER

Like sir, you

TED

yeah

CUSTOMER

Why are you returning your microwave?

TED

Plugged it in and it doesn't- it doesn't do it. So, I'm just returning it.

CASHIER

See, I have a button- There is an option for that.

CUSTOMER

I envy you so much.

TED

(being forcibly hugged) No, no, no Okay. Alright. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

CUSTOMER

I wish I was you. You you're having such an easy day. The problem isn't you. Your problem is easy - get a new microwave. I have to get a new soul. Sorry, I'm not usually this emotional unless I feel something big.