Transcript
BRAD
So I named my son Brad after my dad and simultaneously changed my name to Brad.
So it's just all- Brad's all the way down and here we are.
VERNON
Do you want two dogs or one?
BRAD
Two dogs.
VERNON
Two dogs, two dogs there.
What about you, Dave?
DAVID
Hey Vern, I will take
VERNON
Holy smokes Dave what is going on with your voice?
BRAD
That is a loud, loud sound.
VERNON
Oh my god!
BRAD
Oh
DAVID
We'll su-
Ugh!
I'll try to keep it.
I'll try to keep it down here.
BRAD
That's better.
DAVID
Um...
VERNON
That's a little better, yeah. Are you feeling sick? Like a loud kind of sick? Like a sick that makes you loud?
DAVID
No!
No, look, I got throat subwoofers. Look.
[gurgling]
BRAD
Oh, wow.
VERNON
I didn't want to say it, but you're thr--
DAVID
[gurgling]
BRAD
Ah.
DAVID
[gurgling]
VERNON
Yeah, I was gonna say Dave from the outside - you don't need to you let go of your mouth
BRAD
That's... that's fine.
DAVID
Oh!
VERNON
You can see them from the outside. You kind of look like you got a goiter.
BRAD
It's bulging a little bit.
VERNON
Yeah, like on both sides you got kind of a lump
BRAD
Yeah.
DAVID
Well, the doctor said it will slowly recess and fit flush with my skin.
VERNON
It's really, it's like really red though, Dave.
DAVID
Yeah, well you both know. Brad, I know you have little
VERNON
Oh my gosh, can you talk quieter?
DAVID
Brad
BRAD
The gravel is like bouncing off the driveway.
VERNON
Yeah!
DAVID
Well, okay, well I'm sorry and I know Brad-
Ew.
[cough]
I know Brad, you have little Brad Jr.
BRAD
Yeah
DAVID
And Vernon, I know you have Sarah and Carol.
And we all know they're on their phones all day.
You can barely get a word in if they're even listening to you.
BRAD
Mm-hmm.
DAVID
And I thought I just need to make my voice louder.
So that's why- these things do get pretty loud. Listen to this.
That's why I installed these!
BRAD
Whoa!
VERNON
Ow! Ow!
BRAD
Wow!
DAVID
Yeah.
BRAD
Dave!
VERNON
Dave!
DAVID
And that was at medium level.
BRAD
Oh, Dave.
VERNON
You just shook the wind chime off the porch.
Dave, was this like some kind of augmen-- like a body mod?
BRAD
(sighs)
DAVID
Well...
Yeah, I got modded up.
VERNON
How does your job feel about that?
How are you gonna find a job with a body mod like that?
DAVID
Check this out.
BRAD
Dave, you work at a library.
DAVID
Not anymore. I quit.
Yesterday before I went and got these, because they wouldn't approve them and also
[coughing]
BRAD
Wow.
DAVID
Gah - they - the doctor said there's a warming period and this will sound better in about a week and a half
BRAD
Mm, yeah.
DAVID
They said a week to a month
VERNON
Is there a...
BRAD
Wow.
VERNON
Is there like a way to turn them off?
DAVID
No. It's forever!
BRAD
How are they powered?
DAVID
Well, essentially my blood passes through each of them, and depending on how fast my heart gets, the louder they become.
So if I'm relaxing, I can get... well, you all heard it, medium level.
But it's nice, it's a safety feature as well, because you know I like going on jogs.
VERNON
Mm-hmm.
DAVID
And when my heart beats faster, the blood move... when my heart...
VERNON
Dave, you're getting louder!
DAVID
When my heart beats faster, my blood moves faster through them.
which makes them louder. Now you both heard me
at a standard medium level
at about 70 BPM which is my resting heart rate.
Sure it could be lower but when I'm pushing 130,
180 heart -- BPM heart rate
it's enough to, it's enough to you know maybe do a little riot control.
You know what I mean Brad?
VERNON
Hold on, is 70 BPM a pretty high resting heart rate?
My little watch thing tells me mine's at 90.
DAVID
Oh, your PodWatch?
VERNON
Yeah!
DAVID
190 resting?
VERNON
No, 190, Dave.
BRAD
190 good-
DAVID
[LAUGH]
VERNON
Oh my gosh, could you imagine?
DAVID
Sorry, yeah.
BRAD
Oh my god. Youd be running around
VERNON
No, just at, just at 90.
DAVID
Well, 90 is high. I was told 70 BPM is a little bit higher than "normal."
For instance, Brad, your cousin Angela, works at the library as well,
and her resting heart rate, on account of the triathlete that she is,
is somewhere around 48 to 52 beats per minute.
BRAD
Well, I don't know. I don't know if that's normal
VERNON
Well that's, that's extremely low! That ha-
DAVID
No, that's exactly what it is. That's exa-
VERNON
OH MY GOD, DAVE!
BRAD
Ah, Dave!
DAVID
Sorry, oh!
That's exactly where Angela is resting.
VERNON
Can you just, can you talk quiet without sounding like a pervert?